A blog dedicated to current events, news, and issues concerning the Asian and Pacific Islander community. I am a student, social media junkie, and activist.
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Posts tagged "identity"

Asians in the Ivory Tower: Dilemmas of Racial Inequality in American Higher Education - Robert T. Teranishi

Current Issues in Asian and Pacific American Eduction - Russell Endo, clara C. Park, and John Nobuya Tsuchida

Unraveling the “Model Minority” Stereotype: Listening to Asian American Youth - Stacey J. Lee

The Deathly Embrace: Orientalism and Asian American Identity - Sheng-Mei Ma

The Hyphenated American - John C. Papajohn

Model-Minority Imperialism - Victor Bascara

Chains of Babylon: The Rise of Asia America - Daryl J. Maeda

In Defense of Asian American Studies - Sucheng Chan

Playing the Race Card - George J. Sefa Dei, Leene Luke Karumanchery, and Nisha Karumanchery-Luik

Asian American Dreams - Helen Zia

Register for 

Listen to the Silence: Find Your Roots, Derive Your Identity

Where: Cubberley Auditorium

When: Saturday, February 18, 2012

Click here to register

Mission Statement

The United States is one of the world’s most diverse nations with a wide array of nationalities, races, ethnicities. Because of this, one’s identity can easily come into question. It is not only important to remember our roots, but also to not be afraid to take pride in them. When asked to check a box identifying our ethnicity, many of us feel constrained by the limited options available to us, such as with the 2010 Census. Many found this difficult because our individuality cannot possibly be contained by any general classification. An identity is like a fingerprint: no two are the same.

At this year’s Listen to the Silence conference, we hope you will come to a better understanding of your own identity and the identities of those around you, and how that guides your efforts in advancing equality in your communities. Almost two-thirds of Asian Americans were born in a foreign country, carrying parts of their homeland with them to their experiences in America. We all have our own stories and experiences, seen through the lenses of our respective generations, where we grew up, our gender, sexuality, so there clearly is no formula for this so-called “identity.” However, even though we come from different walks of life, there are many different aspects of self that we all share, united by common causes. With this, we can find a common ground to unite in solidarity, build coalitions within and beyond our ethnic communities, and together, be active participants in advocating for social justice.

Keynote: David Monkawa

David Monkawa is a “2.5” generational Japanese American, born in Japan to a Hawai’i-born Nisei father and Japanese immigrant mother. Culturally growing up as a third generation Sansei, Monkawa became angry at all of the ”accumulated historical oppression against JA’s and working people” throughout history, his own family included. He channeled his angry energy into motivation to help change the system, wanting to help bring the best compensation possible for those wronged. He became Co-Chair of the Nikkei for Civil Rights and Redress (NCRR) in the late 1980s and early 90’s. He is inspired most by youth becoming socially aware and committing themselves to bring about fundamental structural change in theUnited States. Monkawa studied at California Institute of the Arts, currently works as an Asst. Organizing Director for the California Nurses Association, and has three children. 

Workshops

9:30 - 10:45 AM:

Born to Gamble? The Hidden Addiction (NICOS Chinese Health Coalition)

A Shattered Reflection: A Lack of Cultural Education (TECC)

Stereotypes and Racial Profiling:  Asian Americans in Popular Culture (Alternative Spring Break - Asian American Issues)

Powerlessness:  On Reclaiming a Damaged Identity by Overcoming Natural Disasters in the Asian Pacific Rim (Stanford Pilipino American Student Union)

Tracing our Journey- the Vietnamese American Experience (Stanford Vietnamese Student Association)

Bravery In and Out of Combat: The 442nd Regimental Combat Team (Stanford University Nikkei)

2:00 - 3:15 PM:

Asian Frat Boys & Sorority Girls - How Asian American Greek Life Has Shaped Our Identities (Lambda Phi Epsilon Fraternity Inc.)

Art, Activism, and the International Hotel (Stanford Asian American Activism Committee)

Dyrty Talk (Queer & Asian @ SJSU)

Asian Americans in Politics and Activism (Stanford Taiwanese Cultural Society)

find hardboiled’s roots. derive the significance of ethnic press (hardboiled, UC Berkeley)

Combating Human Trafficking at the Frontiers of Vietnam (Pacific Links Foundation)

Behind the Curtains- Domestic Violence in the Asian American Community (Sigma Psi Zeta)

3:30 - 4:45 PM:

Where My Queer Asians At? (Queer and Asian at Stanford (Q&A))

Catching the ”Silent Killer” in the API community (Stanford Team HBV)

Character Improv and Comedy (UC Berkeley / Theatre Rice)

Agent Orange in Vietnam, Chemicals in America (VIET Fellows)

Making the News (AAGSA)

Wage Theft (Chinese Progressive Association)

API Movement Building and Asian American History (Stanford Dept. of Asian American Studies)

That is precisely how I feel when I consider my own journey, my own family’s travels. For here I am now, standing in a new country. Not as an expatriate or a resident alien, but as a citizen. And as I survey this realm — this Republic of Privilege — I realize certain things, things that my mother and father might also have realized about their new country a generation ago. I realize that my entry has yielded me great opportunities. I realize, as well, that my route of entry has taken a certain toll. I have neglected my ancestral heritage. I have lost something. Yes, I can speak some Mandarin and stir-fry a few easy dishes. I have been to China and know something of its history. Still, I could never claim to be Chinese at the core.

Yet neither would I claim, as if by default, to be merely “white inside.” I do not want to be white. I only want to be integrated. When I identify with white people who wield economic and political power, it is not for their whiteness but for their power. When I imagine myself among white people who influence the currents of our culture, it is not for their whiteness but for their influence. When I emulate white people who are at ease with the world, it is not for their whiteness but for their ease. I don’t like it that the people I should learn from tend so often to be white, for it says something damning about how opportunity is still distributed. But it helps not at all to call me white for learning from them. It is cruel enough that the least privileged Americans today have colored skin, the most privileged fair. It is crueler still that by our very language we should help convert this fact into rule. The time has come to describe assimilation as something other than the White Way of Being.

Eric Liu (“Notes of a Native Speaker, The Washington Post, 1998)

voguedissent:

From Kim J. (1981) The process of Asian American identity development.

1. The Ethnic Awareness Stage begins around the ages of 3-4 when the child’s family members serve as the significant ethnic group model. Positive or neutral attitudes toward one’s own ethnic origin are formed depending on the amount of ethnic exposure conveyed by the caretakers.

2. The White Identification stage begins when children enter school where peers and the surroundings become powerful forces in conveying racial prejudice, which negatively impacts their self-esteem and identity. The realization of “differentness” from such interactions leads to self-blame and a desire to escape their own racial heritage by identifying with White society.

3. The Awakening to Social Political Consciousness stage means the adoption of a new perspective, often correlated with increased political awareness. Kim believes that the civil rights and women’s movements and other significant political events often precipitate this new awakening. The primary result is an abandoning of identification with White society and a consequent understanding of oppression and oppressed groups.

4. The Redirection stage means a reconnection or renewed connection with one’s Asian American heritage and culture. This is often followed by a realization of White oppression as the culprit for the negative experiences of youth. Anger against White racism may become a defining theme with concomitment increases of Asian American self and group pride.

5. The incorporation stage represents the highest form of identity evolution. It encompasses the development of a positive and comfortable identity as Asian American and consequent respect for other racial/cultural heritages. Identification for or against White culture is no longer an important issue.

For those of us who are Asian American, this might provide some insight and clarification into our own experiences. For those of us who are not Asian American, I would stress that White Identification is a difficult stage that some never move past. 

Identity development models like these are flawed in one way: identity isn’t linear. It’s not as though you make it to stage 5 and boom, you’re done, you’re enlightened. A change in environment may trigger someone who was in stage 5 to progress to stage 3. I’ve heard identity described as a spiral staircase; you are always moving forward, and each step is unique, but you can look back on all the steps you’ve taken. 

Lanya Olmstead was born in Florida to a mother who immigrated from Taiwan and an American father of Norwegian ancestry. Ethnically, she considers herself half Taiwanese and half Norwegian. But when applying to Harvard, Olmstead checked only one box for her race: white.

“I didn’t want to put ‘Asian’ down,” Olmstead says, “because my mom told me there’s discrimination against Asians in the application process.”

For years, many Asian-Americans have been convinced that it’s harder for them to gain admission to the nation’s top colleges.

Studies show that Asian-Americans meet these colleges’ admissions standards far out of proportion to their 6 percent representation in the U.S. population, and that they often need test scores hundreds of points higher than applicants from other ethnic groups to have an equal chance of admission. Critics say these numbers, along with the fact that some top colleges with race-blind admissions have double the Asian percentage of Ivy League schools, prove the existence of discrimination.

The way it works, the critics believe, is that Asian-Americans are evaluated not as individuals, but against the thousands of other ultra-achieving Asians who are stereotyped as boring academic robots.

Now, an unknown number of students are responding to this concern by declining to identify themselves as Asian on their applications.

For those with only one Asian parent, whose names don’t give away their heritage, that decision can be relatively easy. Harder are the questions that it raises: What’s behind the admissions difficulties? What, exactly, is an Asian-American — and is being one a choice?

Olmstead is a freshman at Harvard and a member of HAPA, the Half-Asian People’s Association. In high school she had a perfect 4.0 grade-point average and scored 2150 out of a possible 2400 on the SAT, which she calls “pretty low.”

College applications ask for parent information, so Olmstead knows that admissions officers could figure out a student’s background that way. She did write in the word “multiracial” on her own application.

Still, she would advise students with one Asian parent to “check whatever race is not Asian.”

“Not to really generalize, but a lot of Asians, they have perfect SATs, perfect GPAs, … so it’s hard to let them all in,” Olmstead says.

Amalia Halikias is a Yale freshman whose mother was born in America to Chinese immigrants; her father is a Greek immigrant. She also checked only the “white” box on her application.

“As someone who was applying with relatively strong scores, I didn’t want to be grouped into that stereotype,” Halikias says. “I didn’t want to be written off as one of the 1.4 billion Asians that were applying.”

Her mother was “extremely encouraging” of that decision, Halikias says, even though she places a high value on preserving their Chinese heritage.

“Asian-American is more a scale or a gradient than a discrete combination . I think it’s a choice,” Halikias says.

But leaving the Asian box blank felt wrong to Jodi Balfe, a Harvard freshman who was born in Korea and came here at age 3 with her Korean mother and white American father. She checked the box against the advice of her high school guidance counselor, teachers and friends.

“I felt very uncomfortable with the idea of trying to hide half of my ethnic background,” Balfe says. “It’s been a major influence on how I developed as a person. It felt like selling out, like selling too much of my soul.”

“I thought admission wouldn’t be worth it. It would be like only half of me was accepted.”

Other students, however, feel no conflict between a strong Asian identity and their response to what they believe is injustice.

“If you know you’re going to be discriminated against, it’s absolutely justifiable to not check the Asian box,” says Halikias.

Immigration from Asian countries was heavily restricted until laws were changed in 1965. When the gates finally opened, many Asian arrivals were well-educated, endured hardships to secure more opportunities for their families, and were determined to seize the American dream through effort and education.

These immigrants, and their descendants, often demanded that children work as hard as humanly possible to achieve. Parental respect is paramount in Asian culture, so many children have obeyed — and excelled.

“Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best,” wrote Amy Chua, only half tongue-in-cheek, in her recent best-selling book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.”

“Chinese parents can say, ‘You’re lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you,’” Chua wrote. “By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they’re not disappointed about how their kids turned out.”

Of course, not all Asian-Americans fit this stereotype. They are not always obedient hard workers who get top marks. Some embrace American rather than Asian culture. Their economic status, ancestral countries and customs vary, and their forebears may have been rich or poor.

But compared with American society in general, Asian-Americans have developed a much stronger emphasis on intense academic preparation as a path to a handful of the very best schools.

“The whole Tiger Mom stereotype is grounded in truth,” says Tao Tao Holmes, a Yale sophomore with a Chinese-born mother and white American father. She did not check “Asian” on her application.

“My math scores aren’t high enough for the Asian box,” she says. “I say it jokingly, but there is the underlying sentiment of, if I had emphasized myself as Asian, I would have (been expected to) excel more in stereotypically Asian-dominated subjects.”

“I was definitely held to a different standard (by my mom), and to different standards than my friends,” Holmes says. She sees the same rigorous academic focus among many other students with immigrant parents, even non-Asian ones.

Does Holmes think children of American parents are generally spoiled and lazy by comparison? “That’s essentially what I’m trying to say.”

Asian students have higher average SAT scores than any other group, including whites. A study by Princeton sociologist Thomas Espenshade examined applicants to top colleges from 1997, when the maximum SAT score was 1600 (today it’s 2400). Espenshade found that Asian-Americans needed a 1550 SAT to have an equal chance of getting into an elite college as white students with a 1410 or black students with an 1100.

Top schools that don’t ask about race in admissions process have very high percentages of Asian students. The California Institute of Technology, a private school that chooses not to consider race, is about one-third Asian. (Thirteen percent of California residents have Asian heritage.) The University of California-Berkeley, which is forbidden by state law to consider race in admissions, is more than 40 percent Asian — up from about 20 percent before the law was passed.

Steven Hsu, a physics professor at the University of Oregon and a vocal critic of current admissions policies, says there is a clear statistical case that discrimination exists.

“The actual dynamics of how it happens are really quite subtle,” he says, mentioning factors like horse-trading among admissions officers for their favorite candidates.

Also, “when Asians are the largest group on campus, I can easily imagine a fund-raiser saying, ‘This is jarring to our alumni,’” Hsu says. Noting that most Ivy League schools have roughly the same percentage of Asians, he wonders if “that’s the maximum number where diversity is still good, and it’s not, ‘we’re being overwhelmed by the yellow horde.’”

Yale, Harvard, Princeton and the University of Pennsylvania declined to make admissions officers available for interviews for this story.

Kara Miller helped review applications for Yale as an admissions office reader, and participated in meetings where admissions decisions were made. She says it often felt like Asians were held to a higher standard.

“Asian kids know that when you look at the average SAT for the school, they need to add 50 or 100 to it. If you’re Asian, that’s what you’ll need to get in,” says Miller, now an English professor at the University of Massachusetts-Dartmouth.

Highly selective colleges do use much more than SAT scores and grades to evaluate applicants. Other important factors include extracurricular activities, community service, leadership, maturity, engagement in learning, and overcoming adversity.

Admissions preferences are sometimes given to the children of alumni, the wealthy and celebrities, which is an overwhelmingly white group. Recruited athletes get breaks. Since the top colleges say diversity is crucial to a world-class education, African-Americans, Latinos, Native Americans, and Hawaiian/Pacific Islanders also may get in despite lower scores than other applicants.

A college like Yale “could fill their entire freshman class twice over with qualified Asian students or white students or valedictorians,” says Rosita Fernandez-Rojo, a former college admissions officer who is now director of college counseling at Rye Country Day School outside of New York City.

But applicants are not ranked by results of a qualifications test, she says — “it’s a selection process.”

“People are always looking for reasons they didn’t get in,” she continues. “You can’t always know what those reasons are. Sometimes during the admissions process they say, ‘There’s nothing wrong with that kid. We just don’t have room.’”

In the end, elite colleges often don’t have room for Asian students with outstanding scores and grades.

That’s one reason why Harvard freshman Heather Pickerell, born in Hong Kong to a Taiwanese mother and American father, refused to check any race box on her application.

“I figured it might help my chances of getting in,” she says. “But I figured if Harvard wouldn’t take me for refusing to list my ethnicity, then maybe I shouldn’t go there.”

She considers drawing lines between different ethnic groups a form of racism — and says her ethnic identity depends on where she is.

“In America, I identify more as Asian, having grown up there, and actually being Asian, and having grown up in an Asian family,” she says. “But when I’m back in Hong Kong I feel more American, because everyone there is more Asian than I am.”

Holmes, the Yale sophomore with the Chinese-born mother, also has problems fitting herself into the Asian box — “it doesn’t make sense to me.”

“I feel like an American,” she says, “…an Asian person who grew up in America.”

Susanna Koetter, a Yale junior with an American father and Korean mother, was adamant about identifying her Asian side on her application. Yet she calls herself “not fully Asian-American. I’m mixed Asian-American. When I go to Korea, I’m like, blatantly white.”

And yet, asked whether she would have considered leaving the Asian box blank, she says: “That would be messed up. I’m not white.”

“Identity is very malleable,” says Jasmine Zhuang, a Yale junior whose parents were both born in Taiwan.

She didn’t check the box, even though her last name is a giveaway and her essay was about Asian-American identity.

“Looking back I don’t agree with what I did,” Zhuang says. “It was more like a symbolic action for me, to rebel against the higher standard placed on Asian-American applicants.”

“There’s no way someone’s race can automatically tell you something about them, or represent who they are to an admissions committee,” Zhuang says. “Using race by itself is extremely dangerous.”

Hsu, the physics professor, says that if the current admissions policies continue, it will become more common for Asian students to avoid identifying themselves as such, and schools will have to react.

“They’ll have to decide: A half-Asian kid, what is that? I don’t think they really know.”

The lines are already blurred at Yale, where almost 26,000 students applied for the current freshman class, according to the school’s web site.

About 1,300 students were admitted. Twenty percent of them marked the Asian-American box on their applications; 15 percent of freshmen marked two or more ethnicities.

Ten percent of Yale’s freshmen class did not check a single box.

___

Jesse Washington covers race and ethnicity for The Associated Press. He is reachable at http://www.twitter.com/jessewashington or jwashington(at)ap.org.

(via misseevee)

There’s a really badass and awesome project about identity afoot in New York City for Asian Americans aged 18-30.

Here are the steps to get involved:

1. Upload a headshot of yourself. Tell your story. 

2. Receive your poster in the mail.

3. Go out and paste the poster everywhere.

4. Share it with the world through media. 

reallifedocumentarian:

voguedissent:

It means that you’re bi-cultural: both Asian and American, yet neither at the same time depending where you are. In Asia, you’re American; in America, you’re Asian.

It means that you’re a perpetual foreigner: it doesn’t matter that you were born here, or that English was your first language, or that your family has been in America for the past six generations—people see you and assume you’re a foreigner.

It means that you must be the same as the Asian next you and that you share the same identity: it doesn’t matter if as a South East Asian, you are an underprivileged minority because all Asians are model minorities. 

It means that in terms of compositional criteria for diversity, your identity is yanked around to serve the benefits of others: if we need to seem more diverse, we’ll count you as a minority. If we’re trying to obtain recognition for how we support our underprivileged minorities, we won’t count you because we haven’t given you any support, and we don’t want to tarnish our reputation. Asian Americans are left out of the conversation of diversity and minority issues unless it serves others to include us. Ultimately, the issues of Asian Americans are not addressed because it is never about what we need and what is fair to us; it is about how our identity best serves others. 

It means that people assume we’re silent and then block our voices when we try to speak. Asian Americans, they never protest or anything, so why should we listen when they talk to us about the inequalities they face? 

Being Asian American has nothing to do with geographic lines or skin color or eye shape or any physical markers. Being Asian American has everything to do with the social structures that have been imposed upon us and the sociocultural expectations that are used to discriminate against us the day we are born. 

yup- THIS.

In regards to a recurring role on a new sit-com, two acquaintance friends asked me, “Is it a stereotypical Asian character you’re playing?” Hmm…?

I found it odd that that was the first question out of their mouths, as opposed to,“What’s your character’s name? What’s it like shooting in front of a live audience? What’s it like being on set?”

The truth is, a natural humanistic portrayal of the Asian-American subculture in this country has yet to make a permanent footprint in the parade of mainstream behavior.

We are not just the other white meat. And there’s no use in attempting to blend ourselves in as that.

procrastinazn:

Don’t you love it when people play the “Guess The Ethnicity!” game with you?

I don’t.

My friends always bash the way my family and I look. We’re Filipino, but we look Chinese. We’re “supposed” to be dark, but we’e blindingly pale. Whenever we visit our relatives back home, we look like relief workers visiting the poor. We don’t assimilate to the stereotype of a “typical” Filipino. And I’m proud of my contradictory existence. I’m grateful that I don’t fit into any societal generalizations at all.

But it wasn’t easy when I was growing up.

When I was a kid, I never knew exactly where I fit in. And when you’re five, ten, fifteen, and on — well, you just want somewhere to belong. 

I was the quiet kid in kindergarten. I read every book in the room, but because I was Asian and taciturn, teachers thought I didn’t know English. Little did they know that English was my first language. Little did they know that my parents barely spoke to my brother and me in Waray at home. Little did they know that even though I was an immigrant, I was coming from a nation that had the second highest English fluency rate in Asia (the first is India). But thankfully, this all got sorted out relatively quickly. Gradually, I made friends and spoke more in class (and my mom had a screaming match with the school board). They realized that I knew English, and life proceeded as such.

It wasn’t until third grade where I started having issues with my ethnic identity. The teacher asked how many people were born in New York; everyone raised their hand. I did, too. Just because I would look weird if I didn’t. I can say now that I’m proud of my foreign-born roots, but back then I had never felt so ashamed in my life of the fact that I was Filipino. All the kids would make fun of me if they found out I had an Alien card, or that I couldn’t be President when I grew up. At the time, I thought it was best to tell a little white lie, rather than face the ridicule that often comes with telling the truth. I apologized to God that night, telling the statuette of Santo Nino (Baby Jesus) that I really was sorry, and I envied him for always being strong enough to stand for what he believed in. And I prayed that one day, I might be able to do the same.

The following week our class was having an ethnic food day. My Italian friend brought garlic knots and pizza. My other Italian friend brought cannolis. My other Italian friend brought spaghetti. And my Greek friend brought pierogies, which were “a little weird” according to my peers, but good nonetheless.

I brought cassava cake; my mom’s special recipe, to be exact. And considering all the other Filipino dishes I could’ve brought, I was pretty convinced that cassava cake would be a safe bet. I was still a little afraid that no one would like it — that I would bring food that wouldn’t nourish people and make them happy. Every so often, I would look at my dish at the end of the dessert table —

And there it stood, in its lonely perfection: my mom’s cake, untouched, save for a few sympathetic nibbles by parents who were chaperoning our luncheon. I remember wanting to cry that day; I didn’t want to show my mom the tray that was completely unscathed. But when I came home, she just smiled and said how great it was that we had leftovers. I baon’ed (packed) cassava cake for lunch that entire week. And I loved it.

The great thing about growing up is that as we grow, we discover — or perhaps, create — other facets of our personalities. We develop interests in sports, or the arts. We pick up a violin and fall in love, or photograph the memories we never want to forget. We start singing, writing, drawing, and experiencing life in different ways. We learn what we like and don’t like. We learn to live with what we’ve got and work for what we’ve yet to attain. We carve our own niches, and eagerly anticipate for the world to accept the layers that lie beneath our skin.

By the time I was in sixth grade, I was known as “the writer.” Not “the quiet Asian” or “the one good at math.” I had won a poetry contest or two, and I just could not get my nose out of any novel I was reading at the time. My teachers all encouraged me to keep writing, even as I continued into junior high. They behooved me to join the school newspaper and to never stop writing, for even a single day. They sincerely thought I had a gift — and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with math, science, or playing the violin.

It was around this time I began abandoning my Filipino heritage; I had adopted this new persona as a “writer.” I no longer cared about the color of my skin or the strange spelling of my last name. I was who I was. But unfortunately, whoever I was didn’t fit in with the other Pinoys around me.

I always felt awkward around Filipinos. I loved my relatives, adored my titos and titas, but I never really meshed with the kids that drank, danced, and were in cotillions. I don’t know why. When I think back, I can only say that I probably wasn’t cool enough. Dancing was something my older brother did; he was a bboy and had the swag that comes with it. But me — I was a dork, to say the least. I got along with the Asians at my school; I shared similar interests in k-pop/j-pop/anime/video games/etc. I went to karaoke boxes in the city and watched dramas with Rain and Rainie Yang. I fit in well with Asians; but Filipinos were a different story. I tried during my freshman year in college to get involved with the Filipino cultural club — but I just couldn’t find a place for myself amidst the tinikling, eskrima, and house parties. I didn’t know half the chorus of Bayang Magiliw, and I just couldn’t see myself in a modern dance crew.

Not to mention people would rag about the fact that I couldn’t speak Tagalog:

A) I’m not from Manila.
B) My parents don’t speak Tagalog at home, but Waray. 

There was this one time — not during my childhood, but last summer when I was at a block party one of my friends was throwing. It was your typical Filipino soiree: line dancing, turon-all-around, lolos trying to jig with you, and some light-hearted gambling on the side.

And lechon (of course).

One of the titas that night was ranting about how Filipino kids today don’t know jack shit about their heritage. They don’t know who Lapu-Lapu is (A: Isn’t that a fish?), they don’t know how Marcos screwed over the nation (A: Don’t they own Macy’s?). Hell, they don’t even know what the word tubig means (A: Did you just misspell ‘tubing?’). But her biggest gripe was how kids today don’t know Tagalog.

I could only wonder how many of them knew Waray.

Admittedly, however, I had lost touch with my Filipino roots. I was more into Japanese culture — to the point where my father criticized me for wanting to learn Nihon-go more than my “native tongue.” My Filipino suitemates had to consistently catch me up on NoyNoy’s latest political endeavor. My parents earnestly tried to rejuvenate my passion for the Philippines. But no matter how many scholarly books from UP my father threw at me, it was only through stories — of my mom’s life on the farm, of my dad’s doctoral residency in Baguio, of my relatives’ tumultuous times living in the utmost destitution — that my heart came home.

I’m still a dork (I think, at this point, this is irrevocable),

But if there’s anything Filipino about me —
It’s the strong sentiment for family that resounds in me.

To this day, I still struggle from existing in various medians. I’m Asian, but I like to write. I’m Filipino, but I look Chinese. I’m a girl, but I’m a (tom)boy. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality, but I’m a devout believer of Christ. Everywhere there are labels. Choices to be made, sides to take. Identities to adorn the personas we present to the world. But for every choice we make, there is a choice we don’t make — and as human curiosity would have it, I sometimes wonder how life would be if I chose A instead of C. 

But those contemplations are quickly dissipated by the overall satisfaction with my life. On the whole, I am proud of who I am. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

I am me. Ako si ako. 私が私だけ。我叫Melani.

And, y’know I’m okay,
With the me that exists today.

Submission :)